Avril Kroeger
"MUSIC" You've probably heard the news. Avril Lavigne is getting married again. This time to an older "rock" star, namely that sleazy Nickelback fart, Chad Kroeger. The two Canadian "musicians" apparently worked together briefly and "hooked up", as the kids say. After six months of hush-hush, they eventually went public, as the Kroeger dude shelled out a dollar for a ring at a $.95 store, and then asked for his Nickel back.

One can only imagine their first meeting, though. I can see how the Nickelbloke probably went something like:

"Hey there, little girl, would you like some candy? I have LOADS of lollies in the back a ma'truck! Hop on, little gal! (queitly: Then Imma schlap ye in the face with ma'dick) - Yiiieeehaaah!" ...Or something equally charming.

Because as you probably know, Chad Kroeger has a made a career in music by actually letting his penis write most of his band's lyrical content - which he later barfs out in his strained, almost constipated manner. To make an example, here's some of Mr Kroegers charming couplets. These are the words of Mr. Kroeger's penis, known to Nickelback fans as a song called "Figured You Out":

I like the freckles on your chest
And I like the way you like me best
And I like the way you're not impressed
While you put me to the test
I like the white stains on your dress

And I love the way you pass the check
And I love the good times that you wreck
And I love your lack of self-respect
While you passed out on the deck
I love my hands around your neck

I like your pants around your feet
And I like the dirt that's on your knees
And I like the way you still say please
While you're looking up at me
You're like my favourite damn disease

Lovely psychotic white smile. I give him that much.

Interesting enough, though; in previous lyrics he groans:

Haven't you heard "don't hit a lady"
Kickin' your ass would be a pleasure
("Never Again")

So I guess he's become the ass he once wanted to kick so badly.

The Asshole - takes one to know one. And Mr. Kroeger is no less than an expert.

But at the end of the day, when you're "a big rock star", no one cares if you're a rapist. It's not like some gullible groupies getting butt-raped and abused would ever have you charged, would they?

For more vomit-inducing, neanderthal lyrics that Chad Kroeger's pulled out of his ass throughout his career as a "song writer", check out this page if you really have to.

Embarrassment to the family

Yeah, you heard right. HE's embarrassed about HER.
What's even more disgraceful, however, is how Kroeger has apparently admitted that he's embarrassed about his relationship with Avril Lavigne and hasn't even introduced her to his parents yet. If he's embarrassed, I sure as hell wonder what Lavigne and her parents feel like. First that Derryck Wembley kid from Sum 41, then Chad Nickelback. Who's next - Kid Rock? - Charles Manson?

The smug player Nickelkroeg is, he knows the only way into Avril's pants is through marriage, so I suppose his Mr Kroeger's penis only did what he had to do. But give this a few years and he'll probably move over to someone younger anyway. Like that Miley Cyrus kid, for instance.

Don't know what the deal is with Avril, though. Does she really have to tie the knot with every dumbass guy she's getting busy with? How old is she anyway - 17? Already divorced once, from that little Whibbely fella of Blink 482 - and now marrying some white trash hillbilly playboy / wannabe rock star who's probably in his late 40's already. Where's such desperation coming from? Sure, he's probably filthy rich, but so is she.

What do you think? Is the Nickelbag an upgrade or downgrade from Anvil Lasagne's former wife; Derryck Whibbelibelyy of Sum 41?

I would say yes.

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